Wednesday, May 20, 2009
..nobody wins
current mood:
- Gloomy
listening to: Flumpool - Over the Rain
Why life have to be this hard for me?
..you might not want to read this, because seriously, this is not worth reading at all. But if you cared enough for me, you will.. I already gave you a warning. This is something that has nothing to do with you.
Ive been not-myself for the past few days. Ive been pre-occupied with so much things that I cant avoid overthinking about. The vibe of the song Im listening right now adds up to my not-quite-good mood.
Honestly, I dont know what the fuck is with me right now. I cant tell if Im just desperate, frustrated or anxious.. Well, maybe.. Im anxious to the extent that I feel so helpless. Not even a single decent and matured enough person to talk with about this crap that keeps bothering me which is currently running quite deep.. its like Im drowning in my own thoughts. Im trying to convince myself that Im just having childish thoughts and its pretty normal to feel anxious. But why do I feel like its ruining me already? Like, every piece of me was starting to fall off and I cant seem to pick myself up, atleast?
I somewhat opened up with Gracie last night and she made me realize alot of things but after the conversation, as Im trying to fall myself to sleep, my mind keeps overthinking again. Its really confusing. Mainly, on what time I should get up and what I should do for the day. I know Ive mentioned a couple of times already here on my entries that I feel so useless and that I need to do something about it. Its really alarming how my laziness wont stop overpowering me. Like, I would wake up at 6AM but eventually, Ill get up at around 12noon. Believe me, Im trying to change that since its not really healthy because mom wont stop yelling me for being soo useless. So far, Ive managed to start my day by 9AM, get my breakfast then clean the house. Im really trying to make up with all those weeks Ive wasted just lazing around the couch the whole day.
But.. ugh. Thats not really my point at all for ranting this much. Or is it me being pointless? I dunno why Im posting such things to my blog, probably because Im pretty sure no one really pays attention to my entries. Id be getting random views from here and other countries but I dont think any of them had read any of my entries. Oh well..
Im starting to go nuts again. Going back to what Im supposed to be blabbing about.. I feel so lonely. Yessu. Even in my own house, I barely talk to my sister because I want to really ignore her and her unbearable treatment towards me. My mom's too busy playing online games, dad was always not home, brother was a little stupid to talk to but we recently managed to get along on watching Bloody Monday and other doramas and animes. So overall, when Im not infront of tv, I either alone in my room, listening to my mp3 player or surfing the net. I cant load up my phone to text or contact my boyfriend because mom wont give me money to, *rolls eyes*
Pretty much, Ive got the lamest life ever.
Im guessing that this anxiety and frustration slash desperation would last till I got my hands on that damn Professional License for Nurses. AGHH!! My head wants to explode now just by thinking about the rough road I have to walk on. Yes, Ill just walk. No cars to hitch nor anyone to give me piggyback-ride. Im gonna hate this but there's no other way. Damn.
Will I survive this?
(I hate how I ended up talking about non-sense again.)
I hope so.
jeez.. this gave me quite of a headache.
>_<
