If you've come across this blog either for stalking purposes, unintentionally or you just simply care about me, then Ill consider myself lucky. Its been awhile since my last post anyway.. and yeah, Im on hiatus mode but I seriously need to take this shit out from my chest.
Clearly, Im not feeling well, good or anything pleasing right now. I guess, my previous posts doesnt seem so too, anyway.. but yeah..thats life. My life, I mean.
Ive been confused and gloomy.. my mood switches at random times like a snap! Ive been having a hard time dealing with my depression-which Im not sure what and why, and the stress from school. Major exams are what pressuring me more.. I cant even think about graduating yet, nor getting myself a grad-picture because of worrying too much with soo much things to do that I dont know which to start first. Im all cramming and shit. Its freaking me out. I cant even get a perfect score from my quizzes which downs me more.
Then I found out, Im bipolar and severely anxious. I had my class today from 7am to 7pm. I felt really tired on my last class but still goofing around with my girlfriends.. then I felt worse when I had a little argument with Jess. I told him he's making me more anxious and its not helping. I offended him, but still didnt talk to him. Im now guilty. I apologized and he did too. I still felt bad because I feel like I dont deserve this anymore. My mind keeps muttering to me how much of a loser I am. How much I cant win anything at life. How my extremely sensitivity wont make me happy with anything. How I would gain nothing because Im pessimistic. GAH! Im all torned with my id and superego, too! And I think id's overtaking right now.. >_<
I have this little black book where I would write down my feelings whenever I feel like blogging but I cant. And so far, none of them were pleasurable to read. It all basically contains rants and curses. So Im not going to post them here, though I actually planned, but nah, Ill just let them hide under my pillow.
I hope Ill be fine by morning.. err.. though Im not sure if a long quiz by 7am would calm and relax me enough.
Jeez.. life is really a rough road. I even thought about taking cocaine or amphetamines to help me with memorizing every shit in my brick books.. but yeah, ofcourse I wont. Thats illegal and I still love and respect God.. so yeah, hope he hears my prayers though. I really need guidance right now.
editt;; Ive been planning of getting a new shorter haircut since Im already tired of how I look now. I feel uglier everyday. I want something new but Im worrying about updoing my hair during hospital duties. I cant have bangs and shits like that, so yeah. Maybe Ill just have one when Im done with my hospital responsibilities. Fuck school and their rotten rules!
Anyway, I want something that somewhat look like this.